Andre’s passing brings me such deep sorrow. I feel very in touch with the pain of humanity and how disgustingly unjust things are. Human society causes so much unnecessary suffering.
Near 30 days of Andre’s passing, I went 3 days with only 3 hours sleep– which might have been a first for me. Part of being so physical and aging is that I like a lot of sleep. The sleeplessness sharpened my sensitivities and made most humans unbearable. By the end of the third day I was in such deep agony, it seemed my heart ached with each beat and no breath could fill my lungs. Only talking to the Spirits seemed to bring me comfort.
Andre’s passing thrust me back into comforting intimacy with Papa– my grandfather who became my guardian angel when I was 6 years old. Amma had told me that Papa taught her that praying was just talking to God. And that lesson poured into me as Papa transitioned from human to spirit form. As a child, I talked to him daily. I feel Papa has witnessed my life through my eyes, believes in me, and understands me in ways my family has been unable to.
This time has also brought me spiritually closer to my grandmothers– Grandmummy and Ammama. As well as, so many of my ancestors. Grief, I’ve been reminded of, is ancient. This time has opened me to what my bones have carried from thousands of years before this time. I feel my ancestors praising André for bringing me into deeper connection with the Ancestral Realm.
After 72 hours with only 3 hours sleep, the pain was so overwhelming, I began to ask the ancestors why I am still here? Why be here on earth amongst the humans in this wretched way of being? I know after-life to be bliss. I can feel Andre is free, no longer suffering. I can feel his magnificent love, care, and peace. Why should I remain on earth to endure pain, when I know what is beyond is freedom?– I’m too sensitive for the violence of humanity. Too empathetic. Too connected. “Why must I stay here?” I asked. I could feel my grandmothers talk to me. The message I received was that: I have writing that must be done and that I need to return to Ilankai to teach our peoples what I’ve learned. I was shocked by the clarity of inter-generational purpose. I understood that it took time and work for me to come to these lands. To learn all that I have. And that I must return with the stories and knowledge that I’ve gained. My ancestors have me here on a mission. Once I’ve completed my charge, I can be free to leave.
The healer/fighter in me envisions this quest as one that carries me into elderly years, overcoming the many challenges this life brings, and permitting me to witness the children in my life care for children of their own. The wounded weary cynical part of myself is gearing myself up to finish my mission and let the ancestors take me. Interestingly, both parts are deeply aligned. Both parts of me, understand writing as essential. The healer knows that writing is what I need to heal. The wounded recognizes my mortality and the need to leave a path for our descendants to our ancestors and vice versa.
So with this understanding, I begin this stage of writing. I do hope you will witness me emerge from this grief into a joyful healing magic that carries me through other inevitable loss and obstacle into peaceful elder years. That is my goal. And what Andre has also taught me is that just because one fights with all they can for life does not mean they are granted a long one. So I must stay focused on my missions. Love, love, love to all of y’all who read this. I am so thankful for you.